Monthly Archives: March 2019

redmen dot com, saint john's

Redmen dot dum

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In the wake of St John’s disappointing first round tournament loss I checked in at redman dot com this afternoon, home of the basketball intelligentsia. Suffice it to say that everything is rotten in the state of Jamaica. And the stench is not just from the bay. According to the various college basketball insiders there and former Division 1 athletes and current CYO coaches and self-important in the know drama queen avatar shifters the following changes are impending:

Mullin, who hates coaching, is leaving for the west coast to be closer to his family, just as he did last year

Matt A is leaving for Nebraska, just as he left last year for LSU.

Of the players, these nine guys are gone:

Ponds (turning pro)
Heron (turning pro)
Simon (grad transfer)

Trimble (he posted Oprah-esq pablum about every change being an opportunity, hence he’s leaving, just as he did when he posted a picture of an airplane on his Twitter feed earlier this year)

Keita, a low D1 player, is transferring

As are all the freshmen, because as one knowledgeable insider said, “I’d be shocked if any of our current freshmen spend their sophomore years at St. John’s,” because Williams is unhappy with his playing time, as is Roberts; and Earlington – whose father tweeted recently that he was the future of SJ basketball – is fleeing to Rutgers to play football.

More bad news. Of the incoming players Tabor is decommitting, Cam Mack is staying but he’s a head case and Wright, Caraher, Manuel and Steere are not D1 players, because someone watched a 30 second youtube video.

On the bright side lazy and shiftless Mitch Richmond is staying, along with boy wonder Greg St Jean and LJ Figueroa. No word about the walk-ons.

Also on the bright side our next coach is lined up: if Jared Grasso (11-42 lifetime as a head coach) is not available we’re going to break open the piggy bank for Rick Pitino.

Also also on the bright side new AD Mike Cragg is going to address the “composition of the current roster,” because that’s what big time AD’s do. They micromanage the basketball roster. And he has the experience to do so, because you know that at dook Cragg had long fruitful discussions with Mike Schrewshrenski about how and who he should recruit when.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life, mostly having to do with broads (too many fast ones), horses (too many slow ones) and drinking and drugs (not enough of either). One of the smarter things I’ve done though is delete my RDC account, because that place is a cesspool: a bunch of middle aged men who haven’t seen their dicks since the Clinton administration stalking teenage boys and slandering them on the basis of their interpretation of their Instagram emojis. And when they’re not doing that they’re talking about how classy they find themselves and how classless they find everyone else. The only interesting things I read were the various mentions of me and what I might be doing, because evidently I am legend and live in their heads.

Jesus fuck those cunts make me feel dirty. And I’m a piece of shit.

arizona state, saint john's

Post Mortem Depression

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So once again our long national nightmare has come to an end, and to no one’s surprise – except the maggots – St John’s lost in the first round of the NCAA tournament. To those among you who are too young to remember Lou Carnesecca – or Steve Lavin – this will have come as no surprise. To long time fans like me who are slowly sliding into the grave: been there done that.

Personally I very much enjoyed this season. A 12-0 start that would have been 15-0 had not St John’s been butt-fucked in Jersey by rat-faced Kevin Willard; various quad one wins against Villanova and Marquette; and an NCAA tournament bid: a season termed a disappointment by die-hard fans living in the 1980s, but for me at time thrilling and in the end good enough I guess. I think a part of my enjoyment comprised my resolve to no longer read the faggotry that passes for commentary on various SJU fan boards and especially my decision to no longer rehash every awful loss and pathetic win on this stupid blog: because fuck the pressure I put upon myself to render my drunken day before scribblings into vague thoughts the morning after; and also fuck you, my dear readers.

Rather than rehash what was a what-might-have-been season – and kudos to all those who spent hours and hours minutely examining the OOC schedule and NET scores and RPI and whatever, because you’re not at all maggots – I hereby render the final season grades, and as usual no disagreement will be tolerated. As usual, we grade on a curve, meaning there’s an A and almost an F, which in today’s everybody gets a trophy world is a C minus.

Shamorie Ponds: A: someone’s got to get one. He is no – as I’ve been maintaining since forever – Marcus Hatten, who led St John’s to the post season twice in two years. He is however one of the more supernaturally talented players to have visited St John’s in a while and I count myself fortunate to have seen him play. He does not seem to have it, whatever it means, let’s call it a killer instinct, but he has something, which is more than most St John’s players have had in a very long time. Good luck to him.

LJ Figeroa: B plus: second best player on the team and with crazy upside: size, motor, skills. Looking forward to his second year.

Mustapha Heron: B: despite his 1-12 implosion in the tournament had a nice year and hopefully he returns for another. It’d be an NCAA slap in the face for him to have received a waiver to move back to NY to care for his ailing mother and then a scant nine months later abscond to Turkey or Lithuania to play pro ball, because NBA bound he is not. On the other had, I’d love to see the NCAA – the worst most corrupt organization since Tammany Hall – slapped in the face, so there’s that.

Justin Simon: B: numbers were down a little but his numbers as a sophomore were Dom Pointer’s as a senior. And defensive player of the year is nothing to sneer at. Hopefully he returns as well.

Brian Trible: C: a poor man’s Truck Bryant, he’s seems to be coming along nicely. Hopefully he takes a 1000 threes a day and steps up next year.

Bench (Williams, Earlington, Roberts): C: personally I’m not a fan of freshman and evidently neither is Mullin. Still, they all showed flashes and I’m not willing to give up on any of them and no good can come from any of them leaving, because continuity.

I am Marvin Clark: C minus: unlike on the court, he’s hard to defend. Scored no points in his last two games; fouled out of more than half of his last 10 college games; and was 16-52 from three over the same period. Yes he was playing out of position and yes he’s overcome a lot in his life and yes good luck to him but bottom line I do not care if the door hits him on the way out. Because he folded on the big stage and was the weak link before that.

Sedee Keita: C minus: No telling how much the injury effected him. Lamont Hamilton II: big body, small hands. Hopefully he comes back and gets better.

And now the big one:

Chris Mullin: B minus: on the plus side he won 20 games, won a must win game in the BE tournament and made the NCAAs; he coached a first team all BE selection and the BE defensive player of the year. That’s something. On the minus he’s not much of in-game coach – which to me in game coaching is over rated: bring in superior players and they will beat inferior players all day long. But here’s the thing: Mullin is one of us: a NYer and a SJ lifer and a non-hysteric non mental patient. Imagine what Steve Lavin might have done had his brother been diagnosed with cancer during the season and shortly thereafter died: he’d have donned sack cloth and ashes and taken a bereavement leave and then afterwards mentioned how devastated he was by the loss in every half time interview he did for years afterwards; whereas Mullin never mentioned it once: all he did was visit his brother in the hospital day after day after day and then get up and go to work and then when he died went to the funeral and mourned in private and then went to work. He acted like a fucking man and I welcome him back next year and fuck all the maggots lining up his successors, because that is not happening and your disappointment makes me hard.

Consider:

Subtract the team Norm Roberts left Steve Lavin with and you get this, Lavin’s subsequent record

13-19
17-16
20-13
21-12 (NCAA)

and compare it to this, Mullin’s record

8-24
14-19
16-17
21-11 (NCAA)

and subtract Lovett’s defection, and you have the same coach, except Mullin’s not Lavin.

So there we have it. What’s to look forward to? The Kentucky Derby and the Triple Crown and Saratoga punctuated by sloppy drunken star gazing on warm summer nights and various self-important dopes on St John’s board with insider information and shifting avatars starting vague rumors about how Matt Abdelmassih is moving to Nebraska. Same as it ever was. It’s going to be a long off season, I suggest you all find a hobby. Mine’s masturbation, but as usual YMMV and more cowbell.

 

arizona state, saint john's

Hurley Girly Man

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Somewhat in my cups I wrote a bit of a monkeyshine selection Sunday evening, the gist of which was that there were very many St John’s who were less than pleased with a 20 win season that resulted in St. John’s fourth NCAA tournament appearance this century, because St John’s fans are the worst most disgraceful and stupidest fan base in the history of sports. (One chronic malcontent for example claimed that despite their name being called during the various Tournament Selection Shows as part of the field of 68 St John’s had not actually made the NCAA tournament because they were in the play in game. I had to listen several times because the fact that he had the repulsive Steve Lavin’s dick in his mouth all the while obscured his diction, but I made it out eventually.) During the course of that post I used an unfortunate euphemism to categorize St John’s fans – it rhythmed with maggots – for which I was chastised by one of my seven regular readers, which euphemism I later excised, not because I found it offensive, but because I’d rather have seven regular readers than six. That said, it was absolutely the right word. Because St John’s fans suck.

Which is the reason I resolved several months ago to stop reading the retarded (oops! another forbidden word) drivel written by the chowderheads who populate various St John’s fan boards – all of whom are self-proclaimed college basketball insiders and former coaches and D1 athletes and if not that savants – boards where I had been a regular and much beloved poster for over a decade. I did so because the only responses I could think to compose in reply to the incessant twaddle that passes for discourse in those forums involved liberal use of the word cunt, and for some reason the word cunt is against the rules. Whereas in my world it’s de rigeur. So I just stopped participating and I don’t even really miss it. Because St John’s fan boards comprise in the most part the same 17 morons repeating the same tired 11 talking points over and over and over again, without a scintilla of wit or intelligence or insight: which is not surprising, as these are in the main all St John’s graduates. But I thought this evening on the cusp of a St John’s impending and glorious victory over Arizona State (JINX!) to check and see what the intelligensia were thinking. Here follows a sample and I was not disappointed:

Here’s what they had to say about the best player to commit to St John’s since Marcus Hatten:

“I think [Ponds] checked out a while ago. I hate to say it, but it wouldn’t shock me at all if he stopped showing up to class right after our last game”

“[Ponds] has one last chance to play with some heart in the ncaa tourny. If not … I’ll say good f’ing bye. I’ll never ever respect anyone that plays with no heart.”

“Chris should have benched [Ponds] … and yeah I’m talking about about all damn season”

” his attitude this season damages his legacy”

Another die hard is “not holding my breath” [regarding a St John’s victory]

Another wishes for what might have been: “Imagine this team with [folding chair Frederico] Mussini”

Another says of an NCAA tournament bid that “Ponds, and co had a pretty disappointing season”

Fear not fans, because victory is around the corner, if only HOF’er Chris Mullin heeds this sage advice: “My … point of emphasis would simply be hitting open shots.”

Thanks genius. Maybe Coach St Jean will mention that during a time out.

But I really have a special shout out for one acute imbecile, this guy

a 30 year old Uber driver who lives in his mother’s basement and attends home games dressed up in Halloween constumes, who says of the prenaturally talented Shamorie Ponds that “he never really had it between the ears.”

You sir, are a real maggot.

saint john's

You Go Lowes, I Get High

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So I was wandering this afternoon through a Home Depot 300 or so miles from Queens down an otherwise deserted aisle and coming towards me was some oblivious guy in a SJU sweatshirt identical to the one I was wearing and when he got within range I said “what are the odds” and he looked at me like I’d asked him for a blowjob and I pointed to my sweatshirt and was like, see, we’re wearing the same sweatshirt and he was like, yeah, we’re wearing the same sweatshirt and he mumbled something about how they needed a win tonight like I was a homeless bum who asked him for a quarter and I was like motherfucker do you know who I am, I’m fun you fucking motherfucker I’m a famous saint john’s fan and you’re a peasant  in the presence of fucking royalty and then he called security and I was escorted from the building but not before I purchased a couple of lovely house plants and two box cutters, because you can never be too safe.

saint john's

Malik on Fleek

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This week Big East Boards got a chance to catch up with Malik Ellison, son of former #1 draft pick Pervis Ellison, who left St John’s two years ago looking for a bigger role at the D1 level.

When asked why he transferred Malik said that he felt underappreciated and ill-used at St John’s and thought that the pastures would be greener at Pitt, where “[Coach] told me I would pretty much be all over the place, one to three really. Just basically just being a leader. That’s the main thing, being a leader, really just leading by example and running the team.”

No one would dispute that Malik has leadership skills, but who he’s leading where is an open question: in four years of college at two schools Ellison has amassed a combined conference record of 10 wins and 60 losses. And as for being “all over the place,” that would be true if all over the place comprised sitting on the bench, as Malik has been doing during Pitt’s current 13-game losing streak, which has seen him average about three points in 10 minutes per game , as opposed to nearly seven points and 20 minutes per game at St John’s.

Still, Malik remains optimistic. Despite shooting this year a whopping 10 percent from three and 50 percent from the free throw line Malik maintains that “I’m actually a pretty good shooter” and has no regrets about his decision to transfer from the NCAA bound Red Storm, citing coach Capel’s opinion that “I could really flourish in his system.”

Next Week: What Ever Happened to Elijah Holifield.

 

saint john's

Blow Me

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Presented without comment

SJU TOTAL FTS

137-254 (L)( -117)
158-154 (W)(+4)
———–
295-408 (-113)

FTS BY MONTH

December = 18-25 = -7
January = 120-159 = -39
February = 122-149 = -27
March = 33-75 = -42

Dec

18-25 (SH)(L)(a)

Jan

24-18 (MU)(W)
25-33 (GT)(W)(a)
8-22 (VU)(L)(a)
6-28 (DP)(L)
18-4 (CU)(W)
20-20 (BU)(L)(a)
17-19 (GU)(L)
4-15 (CU)(W)(a)

Feb

16-25 (MU)(W)(a)
17-28 (PU)(L)
20-10 (BU)(W)
33-24 (VU)(W)
18-37 (PU)(L)(a)
18-25 (SH)(W)

Mar

5-33 (XU)(L)
28-42 (DP)(L)(a)

FTS HOME/AWAY

137-219 (A) = -82
158-189 (H) = -30

FTS BY TEAM

Butler(w) 10-20
Butler (L) 20-20
———–
SJ -10

CU (w) 18-4
CU (w) 4-15
———–
SJ +3

DePaul (L) 6-28
DePaul (L) 28-42
———–
SJ -36

GT (w) 25-33
GT (L) 17-19
————
SJ -10

MU (w) 24-18
MU (w) 16-25
———–
SJ – 3

PU (L) 17-28
PU (L) 18-37
————
SJ -30

SH (W) 18-25
SH (L) 18-25
————
SJ – 14

VU (L) 8-22
VU (W) 33-24
———-
SJ -5

Xavier (L) 33-5
————
SJ – 28